The One And Only Hug We Need....?
Sometimes we think to be hugged just once in a particular situation in our lives would be enough for us to feel good again. But is it really enough? Or we crave for it because we can’t have it in the given moment.
At the age of mindfulness and awareness of the necessity to find our emotions. Now, that we understand that “the most cause of much of human suffering is in our incessant desire to control our feelings”, let’s look at what do we actually expect from the very simple hug.
What are the emotions?
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
I want to share with you a sweet short story I came across in the book by Duvinsky, Jerry “How To Lose Control And Gain Emotional Freedom: Embracing the “Dark” Emotions Through Integrative Mindful Exposure.”
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
There were some studies about the importance of human touch for the babies. As a part of an experiment, a healthy young mother was asked to sit approximately two feet across from her baby, an adorable little infant boy, who by all measures was securely attached to this mother. She was carefully instructed simply to remain nonresponsive and passive to the baby’s attempts to engage her.
Initially, he cooed softly and smiled, as the mother remained impassive and nonresponsive. The baby immediately appeared a bit startled and confused. He attempted again. No response from mother. Now he started self-distraction by looking at his hands and flapping them in a self-stimulatory manner. He tried again. Soon he became much more notably agitated, and by the end of two minutes, he was screaming and hiccupping, with other signs of psychophysiological dysregulation. At this point, the mother was allowed to pick up and respond to the baby.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
The message of this short story could not be denied. This film did not portray violence, yelling, or any other things that we typically regard as prerequisites for emotional pain. The mother simply failed to “attune” to the baby, the implications of which are staggering, for they reveal the incredible vulnerability of human being.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
So? What about us, full grown-up people, who don’t scream. What do we expect from a touch of another person?
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
For me, there are several types of hugs.
One of them is incredible fun. This one is my favorite. The sexual energy crackles the air. Here every tiny touch gets its own character. People around are beginning to smile as they are getting energized with the radiate vibes. You don’t actually do anything. You just embrace a person. Nothing more or less. It is like a dangerous game that you play over and over again. And every time you think of such a hug, you smile and have a dreamy look. But!!! There is always this little “but.” Don’t confuse such a hug with the real thing. You may be bitterly disappointed if you go any further.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
One of them is just a nice gesture when you meet a friend you like. You show a person that you like him/her. Nothing more. There is no energy in this hug. It is just like a light breeze. It goes by and disappears as it had never been there before. You don’t remember these hugs. They have no meaning, no emotions.
Another one is a sad one. We search for a human touch in the saddest minute. It should console us and give us the strength to keep on going. With this one, you share your grave for whatever you’ve lost and expect a sad response. A shared loss, grave becomes easier to carry. I don’t like this one. Can anybody really share your sadness? If you are lucky, you will be hugged by a person, who wouldn’t say “everything will be ok, don’t cry or don’t be sad.” How awful. You may be lucky to have someone, who would not devalue your feelings but would help you to better feel and heal.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
Sometimes we crave for this special one and only magic hug, which would make us feel like little kids and strong warriors. This hug should give us all the love we need and all the strength we miss.
Sometimes, without any reason, I feel a need to touch an infinite trust.
A beautiful illusion. This one hug could make you weak and destroy your very determination to fight your battles. Be careful not to hug the right person. Be careful not to get the right hug. Be careful not to crave for it. Therefore they would always let you go. And then your such a short, weak moment would grow to eternity.
Though some say we have to be weak to get strong again. But who wants to be weak in a crucial moment.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
I hugged all the people I knew on that day.
I got a sexy one, a nice one, a hug from a friend and a hug from a stranger. I hadn’t hoped to get THE hug. And you know what?
A hug of a stranger precepts our right of privilege to give or to except a hug. I think that was the best one!
That hug made me feel stronger. Not being able to be weak, but to know to be privileged. Maybe this one hug which we from time to time are craving for must not be caring and kind, but distanced and a little bit cold. Because longing for an embrace, which might allow us to be weak is certainly not what we are looking for.
To be strong. Is it not what we all want?
Maybe just an elusive careless touch is what we need in a moment of weakness.
What is a hug? Is it a sign of what we want to have and can not have? Or what we want to give and don’t? What is a hug? Is it a fantasy of being not alone? But we are…
Maybe the whole point of a hug is not to make one feel better, but to help one better feel. Better feel your own world. Our worlds get disturbed sometimes. To help us find the imbalance and to restore the peace. Maybe a simple touch of a stranger may help us to perceive our strength in the sadly independent loneliness of our worlds.
The One And Only Hug We Need....?
Only once in a while, I do allow myself to dream. To dream of that one hug that would make me feel little again, being cared for and secure. This hug would take off my mask of a grown woman, would make me weak and dependent.
And safe.
In the safety of that hug, I would find my strength again.
I think I would give myself another fifty years for searching for my special hug…
Lord, bless us all!
